Disciplining Teens - A Skill That Takes Practice and Refining

     Teens need rules and they need the rules to be enforced. Sounds simple doesn't it? But giving teens rules and enforcing those rules is one of the more difficult parenting tasks parents face. First off, teens resent rules and they can argue endlessly for a life with no parental controls. Often, parents' first mistake is to engage in the argument about the need for rules. A better approach is to explain that having rules is a given. What can be negotiable are the kinds of rules and the consequences for rules not followed. Many parents readily dismiss the idea of involving their child in the process of making rules and setting consequences without even trying that method. When a child is fairly emotionally healthy and the parent/child relationship is, for the most part, stable and friendly, the rule/consequence negotiation meeting can be a a valuable starting point.Surprisingly, teens on their own often come up with consequences more harsh than the parents are considering. The critical piece when planning the consequence is that enforcing the consequence isn't going to make life more difficult for the parents than the teen. Inconsistent enforcing of the consequences is what usually weakens the whole system.    Grounding the teen seems to be the most ineffective method of discipline because parents usually set up a grounding consequences right after an unexpected misbehavior. The parents are at the height of their anger at the teen and suggest grounding for a period of time that requires they, themselves having to stay at home much longer that is feasible. The teen learns very little from this process other than their parent usually doesn't follow through on the month or six weeks of grounding.The most effective response when an unexpected misbehavior occurs is for the parent to tell the teen, " I am so angry with you that I don't know what I want the consequence to be. I will tell you in a few hours. "  This approach allows the parent come up with an appropriate consequence that the parent will enforce. Allowing the teen to worry about the consequence for a few hours is a plus. But the parent MUST follow as quickly as possible. The closer the consequence is set up following the misbehavior the better. Also important in the disciplining process is the parents' view of the reason for setting up the consequences. The reason is not punishment. The reason is to teach teens that, for the most part, making poor choices results in unwanted consequences. The other reason for disciplining is to help the teen learn self- control. When done right, when the teen accuses the parent of being mean, the parent doesn't crumble but reminds him/herself that setting reasonable consequences is being a good parent. Not setting consequences is poor parenting.Parents often report that their teen says, "I don't care" when the parent removes a privilege.  Usually, THEY DO CARE. That's why they are telling you they don't care. But it doesn't help for the parent to say, " I know that you really do care. " There are times when a teen really doesn't care. When that happens it can be that the teen is depressed. And sometimes when a teen is depressed it is because the parent has taken away all of the teen's privileges without providing any plan for earning them back.Parents also often say "giving my teens consequences for misbehavior doesn't work; I've tried it." This usually means the parent thinks that letting the teen know in advance what the consequence is will automatically stop the behavior. When the unwanted consequence for misbehavior is first established, the teen will test it at least three times to see if the parent is truly going to follow through with the enforcement of the consequence. Once the teen sees the parent is being consistent in enforcing consequences the unwanted behavior usually stops. Occasionally, the teen may weigh the benefits to him/herself of the misbehavior and then choose the misbehavior. Parents may then have to find a new consequence. Another important tip is to start small with consequences so you can add or intensify as needed. For instance, take away the cell phone for one night in response to one instance of a minor unwanted behavior.  Then when a more serious misbehavior occurs you have the option of taking the phone away for a week or more. Food, shelter, clothing and health care are some of the basics parents are expected to give their child. Most of the other things parents are currently providing for their children are privileges that can be taken away for short periods of time as consequences for misbehavior. It helps when both parents and teens start with this premise in mind.  
      

So Just What is Normal Adolescent Behavior?

"I just want my sweet, kind, respectful kid back. I don't even know the person she has become."  Counselors hear countless parents complain about their pre-adolescent or adolescent child in that manner. The good news is that the child you knew before WILL return but the bad news is that it may not be for several years. The other good news is that I could give you some tips to help you, survive your child's teen years. Generally, if followed, things could get better in a reasonable amount of time. The first step in making your life with your adolescent less turbulent is defining what is normal adolescent behavior. Most parent's have been warned about the " terrible two's, so when your child goes through this stage you may easily recognize that the behaviors are normal and come to an end. So when teens don't want to be seen walking with their parents in the mall that is NORMAL. Parents' of course, are hurt by this  because they don't remember that this has less to do with being embarrassed by the parent but more about that the child worrying that a friend or classmate will view them as being a "baby" and not being allowed to shop on their own. When a parents' own self-confidence is not solid, their teen's changing interactions with them are a constant source of pain. Nature plays a dirty trick on many parents' because they are experiencing their own "mid life crisis" at the same time their children are going through adolescence. Often, parents' are asking ask themselves the same questions that their teens are asking themselves--Who am I? What do I believe in? What do I do with the rest of my life? Teens question their parents' values because they want their parents' to convince them to accept the parents' values. This whole process is NORMAL but many times can be very threatening to parents'. Many parents' worst fear is that their adolescent has turned into a selfish, self-centered and self absorbed person. This total self- focus is NORMAL. It is what the adolescent must do to achieve the final formation of their personality to help them become self - confident enough to leave the comfort of their parents' home. What most parents' don't realize is that the way they respond to their teens temporary unpleasant behavior often factors greatly in their future parent/child relationship. Sadly, many adults do not remember all the wonderful things their parents' did for them when they were one through six years of age. What adults often remember most vividly is either their parents' tolerance of them as they passed through the difficult teen years or the terrible battles or hurtful things their parents said to them. Some simple rules for you' to follow and try to remember as you walk with their teens through adolescence is:  


1.  Pick Your Battles. What many parent's often forget is that all of the changes that are taking place with their adolescence are an essential part of healthy human development. All the pulling away, oppositional, critical behaviors is what a child must do to better survive in the real world. Just as little birds are programmed to leave the nest, so are adolescent humans, programmed to begin to separate from their parents at a certain stage of their development. At the very same time, the teens begin to make fun of the music their parents' listen to, the TV shows they watch, the movies they enjoy, the clothes they wear and even the way their parents' talk. Of course, it's no surprise that some parents' may begin to wonder if it was such a good idea to have children. Yes, all of the aforementioned behaviors are NORMAL but for the most part temporary behaviors. One of the hardest struggles parents' also have is watching their adolescent experiment with radical hair, piercings and clothing styles as they put the finishing touches on the image they want to present to the world.  Parents don't have like the external changes. They just need to tolerate them, remember that what they are seeing is NOT the finished product. It is helpful if you can avoid power struggles and try to convince your adolescent to modify their new look.


2.  Replace Lectures With Consequences for Unwanted Behaviors (The teens already know all of your lectures, word for word.)

3.  Set Reasonable Limits.

4.  Expect Grumbling and Testing of Those Limits. 

5.  Be Flexible, Give Freedom Gradually to See What Your Child Can Handle.  

Stress Management Strategies

If you’re feeling stressed, you’re not alone.  Try a few of these simple techniques to make life’s challenges a bit more manageable.

1)    Learn to say “no” – know your limits and stick to them.

2)    Reframe your problems, look at the big picture.

3)    Improve your time management skills.

4)    Don’t try to control the uncontrollable.

5)    Exercise for 30 minutes at least three times per week.

6)    Reduce your caffeine and sugar intake.

7)    Get enough sleep.  Turn off your smart phone!

8)    Spend time with fun, supportive people.

9)    Light scented candles and take a long bath

10)   Begin and end your day with 15 minutes of meditation.