Disciplining Teens - A Skill That Takes Practice and Refining

     Teens need rules and they need the rules to be enforced. Sounds simple doesn't it? But giving teens rules and enforcing those rules is one of the more difficult parenting tasks parents face. First off, teens resent rules and they can argue endlessly for a life with no parental controls. Often, parents' first mistake is to engage in the argument about the need for rules. A better approach is to explain that having rules is a given. What can be negotiable are the kinds of rules and the consequences for rules not followed. Many parents readily dismiss the idea of involving their child in the process of making rules and setting consequences without even trying that method. When a child is fairly emotionally healthy and the parent/child relationship is, for the most part, stable and friendly, the rule/consequence negotiation meeting can be a a valuable starting point.Surprisingly, teens on their own often come up with consequences more harsh than the parents are considering. The critical piece when planning the consequence is that enforcing the consequence isn't going to make life more difficult for the parents than the teen. Inconsistent enforcing of the consequences is what usually weakens the whole system.    Grounding the teen seems to be the most ineffective method of discipline because parents usually set up a grounding consequences right after an unexpected misbehavior. The parents are at the height of their anger at the teen and suggest grounding for a period of time that requires they, themselves having to stay at home much longer that is feasible. The teen learns very little from this process other than their parent usually doesn't follow through on the month or six weeks of grounding.The most effective response when an unexpected misbehavior occurs is for the parent to tell the teen, " I am so angry with you that I don't know what I want the consequence to be. I will tell you in a few hours. "  This approach allows the parent come up with an appropriate consequence that the parent will enforce. Allowing the teen to worry about the consequence for a few hours is a plus. But the parent MUST follow as quickly as possible. The closer the consequence is set up following the misbehavior the better. Also important in the disciplining process is the parents' view of the reason for setting up the consequences. The reason is not punishment. The reason is to teach teens that, for the most part, making poor choices results in unwanted consequences. The other reason for disciplining is to help the teen learn self- control. When done right, when the teen accuses the parent of being mean, the parent doesn't crumble but reminds him/herself that setting reasonable consequences is being a good parent. Not setting consequences is poor parenting.Parents often report that their teen says, "I don't care" when the parent removes a privilege.  Usually, THEY DO CARE. That's why they are telling you they don't care. But it doesn't help for the parent to say, " I know that you really do care. " There are times when a teen really doesn't care. When that happens it can be that the teen is depressed. And sometimes when a teen is depressed it is because the parent has taken away all of the teen's privileges without providing any plan for earning them back.Parents also often say "giving my teens consequences for misbehavior doesn't work; I've tried it." This usually means the parent thinks that letting the teen know in advance what the consequence is will automatically stop the behavior. When the unwanted consequence for misbehavior is first established, the teen will test it at least three times to see if the parent is truly going to follow through with the enforcement of the consequence. Once the teen sees the parent is being consistent in enforcing consequences the unwanted behavior usually stops. Occasionally, the teen may weigh the benefits to him/herself of the misbehavior and then choose the misbehavior. Parents may then have to find a new consequence. Another important tip is to start small with consequences so you can add or intensify as needed. For instance, take away the cell phone for one night in response to one instance of a minor unwanted behavior.  Then when a more serious misbehavior occurs you have the option of taking the phone away for a week or more. Food, shelter, clothing and health care are some of the basics parents are expected to give their child. Most of the other things parents are currently providing for their children are privileges that can be taken away for short periods of time as consequences for misbehavior. It helps when both parents and teens start with this premise in mind.