So Just What is Normal Adolescent Behavior?

"I just want my sweet, kind, respectful kid back. I don't even know the person she has become."  Counselors hear countless parents complain about their pre-adolescent or adolescent child in that manner. The good news is that the child you knew before WILL return but the bad news is that it may not be for several years. The other good news is that I could give you some tips to help you, survive your child's teen years. Generally, if followed, things could get better in a reasonable amount of time. The first step in making your life with your adolescent less turbulent is defining what is normal adolescent behavior. Most parent's have been warned about the " terrible two's, so when your child goes through this stage you may easily recognize that the behaviors are normal and come to an end. So when teens don't want to be seen walking with their parents in the mall that is NORMAL. Parents' of course, are hurt by this  because they don't remember that this has less to do with being embarrassed by the parent but more about that the child worrying that a friend or classmate will view them as being a "baby" and not being allowed to shop on their own. When a parents' own self-confidence is not solid, their teen's changing interactions with them are a constant source of pain. Nature plays a dirty trick on many parents' because they are experiencing their own "mid life crisis" at the same time their children are going through adolescence. Often, parents' are asking ask themselves the same questions that their teens are asking themselves--Who am I? What do I believe in? What do I do with the rest of my life? Teens question their parents' values because they want their parents' to convince them to accept the parents' values. This whole process is NORMAL but many times can be very threatening to parents'. Many parents' worst fear is that their adolescent has turned into a selfish, self-centered and self absorbed person. This total self- focus is NORMAL. It is what the adolescent must do to achieve the final formation of their personality to help them become self - confident enough to leave the comfort of their parents' home. What most parents' don't realize is that the way they respond to their teens temporary unpleasant behavior often factors greatly in their future parent/child relationship. Sadly, many adults do not remember all the wonderful things their parents' did for them when they were one through six years of age. What adults often remember most vividly is either their parents' tolerance of them as they passed through the difficult teen years or the terrible battles or hurtful things their parents said to them. Some simple rules for you' to follow and try to remember as you walk with their teens through adolescence is:  


1.  Pick Your Battles. What many parent's often forget is that all of the changes that are taking place with their adolescence are an essential part of healthy human development. All the pulling away, oppositional, critical behaviors is what a child must do to better survive in the real world. Just as little birds are programmed to leave the nest, so are adolescent humans, programmed to begin to separate from their parents at a certain stage of their development. At the very same time, the teens begin to make fun of the music their parents' listen to, the TV shows they watch, the movies they enjoy, the clothes they wear and even the way their parents' talk. Of course, it's no surprise that some parents' may begin to wonder if it was such a good idea to have children. Yes, all of the aforementioned behaviors are NORMAL but for the most part temporary behaviors. One of the hardest struggles parents' also have is watching their adolescent experiment with radical hair, piercings and clothing styles as they put the finishing touches on the image they want to present to the world.  Parents don't have like the external changes. They just need to tolerate them, remember that what they are seeing is NOT the finished product. It is helpful if you can avoid power struggles and try to convince your adolescent to modify their new look.


2.  Replace Lectures With Consequences for Unwanted Behaviors (The teens already know all of your lectures, word for word.)

3.  Set Reasonable Limits.

4.  Expect Grumbling and Testing of Those Limits. 

5.  Be Flexible, Give Freedom Gradually to See What Your Child Can Handle.