Over the years I have counseled many couples for a number of reasons. Some of the presenting problems have varied from restoring romance, parenting issues to infidelity. Although these couples presenting problems were different, a similar challenge experienced in these relationships was the lack of emotional intelligence. When we hear of emotional intelligence we may think of leadership skills or personal development. When introduced in the 1990’s emotional intelligence was seen as a powerful key in one’s personal success. If you used emotional intelligence, you were seen as being at the head of your class. The same core concepts which are the biggest predictor of personal excellence, leadership and performance in the workplace, are also critical in creating and maintaining successful marriages/relationships. Emotional intelligence is a unique set of tools that helps us develop the ability to recognize, manage our emotions and use reason and problem solving skills when faced when obstacles or conflict. It also provides us the ability to understand and effectively respond to others emotions. The critical skills in emotional intelligence (anger management, stress tolerance, decision making, assertiveness and social awareness) to name a few, are fundamental in maintaining healthy and successful relationships. Even through moments of conflict, couples that use emotional intelligence are able to maintain self-control and refrain from using negative communication patterns. These couples ability to remain mutually respectful, emotionally connected and resolve conflict in a healthy manner are a few of the key factors that increases relationship satisfaction and likelihood of success. Here are a few tips to help you add emotional intelligence to your relationship:
1. Be aware of your emotions. Manage any stress, anger or other negative emotions you may be experiencing. Emotional awareness can help prevent you from displacing your feelings or from negatively interpreting your partner’s comments or actions. The ability to manage negative emotions can help prevent a discussion from escalating and reduce the likelihood that you will say something that cannot be taken back.
2. Maintain a positive attitude and refrain from negative interpretations. Managing negative feelings at times can be challenging. However dwelling on the negative aspects of your partner’s actions can easily consume you and lead to you believing that your partner’s motives are always negative. Spend some time identifying your partner’s positive characteristics. Identify the characteristics that attracted you to your partner. Remember that it is the behavior you more than likely are unhappy with and not your partner’s character.
3. Recognize how your partner feels. Validation is an important tool in building intimacy and reducing anger and resentment. You don’t have to agree with your partners view however be able to respect, acknowledge and relate to the feeling. Use the speaker listener technique. Paraphrase what you hear and focus on the message being sent. When speaking to your partner, only speak for yourself and talk about your thoughts, feelings and concerns using “I” statements.
Regardless of the type of relationship you are involved in, all relationships require work and dedication. Developing an emotionally intelligent relationship does not happen overnight. However, applying these skills can significantly improve a relationship and reduce the destructive patterns and behaviors that lead to relationship difficulty.
