Why do Children Lie?

Kids lie for many of the same reasons adults lie. Some of the most common reasons children lie are: 

To get out of trouble.

To avoid punishment
To get others in trouble.
To protect their friends.
To make themselves look better to others.
To avoid embarrassment.
To impress authority figures and gain power in the process.
To receive positive attention.   


Of course, the THINGS children and adults lie about are different. For instance, kids lie about not having broken their parents’ rules or not having disregarded  their parents’ wishes. Adults lie about not having broken laws and not having done things that society regards with disdain. 


Researchers report that repeatedly, in surveys done, parents have rated honesty as the trait they most wanted in their children. They rated honesty above self confidence or good judgment.  This being so, parents are greatly upset when they find that their child has lied to them.

The parent feels betrayed and disrespected and often focuses on that instead of looking for the reason the child lied.  Parents should talk with their children,  as early as possible, regarding   the many reasons why it is important to be honest.  And as the child gets older instead of giving the lecture, it is more effective if the parent asks their child to tell them why it is important to be honest.  In the process of responding with this information, the “no lying” value is reinforced in the child’s mind. 

Another ineffective response to a child lying that parents often use is to play the detective and produce all the evidence they  have to prove that the child is lying.  Even when caught  in the act of a specific misbehavior some children will continue to deny that they did what the parent  actually saw.  That kind of a response from a child usually enrages the parent and the parent never gets to the discussion about the  misbehavior.

For example, if a child lies about having done his/her homework and all of the time is spent discussing the lying, the parent doesn’t find out why the homework hasn’t been done.  The child may need to have some tutoring or the consequence for not doing the homework may need to be changed. 

If a child is lying to classmates about things he/she has achieved, important people the family knows or adventures he/she has experienced, the child may have a low self esteem problem.  Again it would be more important to focus on working to improve the child’s self esteem, than to focus on the child’s lies per se.

In longitudinal studies of children’s lying, a majority of 6 year olds who frequently lie have it socialized out of them by age 7. 

However, another study looking at teens’ lying noted that as children entered their teen years and were trying to gradually gain their independence  by  pushing against their parents’ rules, they lied about a number of insignificant things. The teens reported lying to their parents  about : how they spent their allowance, if they started dating,  what clothes they put on away from the house, what movie they went to and with whom they attended the movie .

Parents, who find their teens lying, again, need to look at the reasons their teen is lying. Once that is determined  parents should address those issues either with more severe consequences or with a teen/parent  discussion looking at expanding the day to day living style choices a teen is capable of making.

Each incidence of lying should be examined independent of others.  Any lying event that involves danger to self or others would, of course, focus first on getting the truth and then looking at the reason for lying.

Generally, no matter what the age of the child, research showed that children lied less often when rewarded for truth telling.  Fear of punishment didn’t appear to be as effective in reducing the lying behavior as rewarding truth telling was.

Marijuana and Teens

As the number of states legalize the medical use of marijuana and decriminalize recreational use of marijuana, it has become more and more common for marijuana to be viewed simply as a harmless substance. 

One of the unintended consequences of the changes in the law is that teens who use marijuana on a regular basis use the changes in marijuana laws as proof that they will not experience any ill effects from their regular use of marijuana. They reason “if adults feel the use of marijuana is safe, it must also be safe for us to use.”

There is, clearly, not enough information being distributed to parents of teens about the problems associated with teens’ regular use of marijuana.  And parents of teens often are not aware that the marijuana teens use today is much stronger than the marijuana teens were using 20 years ago. 

According to Susan Weiss, Associate Director for Scientific Affairs at the National Institute for Drug Abuse, pot seized in raids now is 15 percent THC as compared to pot seized in earlier times that was 3 or 4 percent , (tetrahydrocannabinol, is the main mind altering ingredient in marijuana.)    

One of the most serious problems associated with teens who regularly use marijuana that is rarely discussed is amotivational syndrome. The mellow feeling that adults enjoy while using marijuana is what makes teenagers lose interest in studies and productive activities they formerly enjoyed and found  stimulating. Teenagers who are chronic users of marijuana just check out of life during their developmental years when it is most important for them to be involved in life.

Chronic teenage users begin over the long term to feel all activities are better enjoyed while under the influence.  Some lose the ability to enjoy the many small pleasures of life that non users enjoy and take for granted.  

Chronic teenage users don’t set career goals.  They spend their time discussing the funny things their friends did while under the influence, who can provide the best marijuana at the best possible price, and who has the best weekend parties.  

Chronic teenage users don’t learn problem solving skills because they turn to marijuana when they encounter problems.

Chronic teenage users,  who are socially awkward, don’t develop healthy social interacting skills because most of their socializing is done under the influence of marijuana.  And, some chronic teenage  users , as adults, may still interact socially as 13 and 14 year olds because that is the age they stopped developing social skills.

Depressed teenagers who use marijuana to self medicate their depression will over time become more depressed.  

Chronic teenage users’ school grades typically fall over time because the THC stored in their brain negatively impacts their short term memory and their ability to focus in class.

Chronic teenage users party their way through high school doing the bare minimum needed to graduate and don’t realize until after high school graduation how ill equipped they are to succeed in the adult world.  

Only too late, as their classmates who made better choices move forward with their lives, do the chronic users realize that the road they took during the critical high school years has lead them to a dead end.  

It is important that parents of teenagers never take too lightly their teenagers use of marijuana.  

Disciplining Teens - A Skill That Takes Practice and Refining

     Teens need rules and they need the rules to be enforced. Sounds simple doesn't it? But giving teens rules and enforcing those rules is one of the more difficult parenting tasks parents face. First off, teens resent rules and they can argue endlessly for a life with no parental controls. Often, parents' first mistake is to engage in the argument about the need for rules. A better approach is to explain that having rules is a given. What can be negotiable are the kinds of rules and the consequences for rules not followed. Many parents readily dismiss the idea of involving their child in the process of making rules and setting consequences without even trying that method. When a child is fairly emotionally healthy and the parent/child relationship is, for the most part, stable and friendly, the rule/consequence negotiation meeting can be a a valuable starting point.Surprisingly, teens on their own often come up with consequences more harsh than the parents are considering. The critical piece when planning the consequence is that enforcing the consequence isn't going to make life more difficult for the parents than the teen. Inconsistent enforcing of the consequences is what usually weakens the whole system.    Grounding the teen seems to be the most ineffective method of discipline because parents usually set up a grounding consequences right after an unexpected misbehavior. The parents are at the height of their anger at the teen and suggest grounding for a period of time that requires they, themselves having to stay at home much longer that is feasible. The teen learns very little from this process other than their parent usually doesn't follow through on the month or six weeks of grounding.The most effective response when an unexpected misbehavior occurs is for the parent to tell the teen, " I am so angry with you that I don't know what I want the consequence to be. I will tell you in a few hours. "  This approach allows the parent come up with an appropriate consequence that the parent will enforce. Allowing the teen to worry about the consequence for a few hours is a plus. But the parent MUST follow as quickly as possible. The closer the consequence is set up following the misbehavior the better. Also important in the disciplining process is the parents' view of the reason for setting up the consequences. The reason is not punishment. The reason is to teach teens that, for the most part, making poor choices results in unwanted consequences. The other reason for disciplining is to help the teen learn self- control. When done right, when the teen accuses the parent of being mean, the parent doesn't crumble but reminds him/herself that setting reasonable consequences is being a good parent. Not setting consequences is poor parenting.Parents often report that their teen says, "I don't care" when the parent removes a privilege.  Usually, THEY DO CARE. That's why they are telling you they don't care. But it doesn't help for the parent to say, " I know that you really do care. " There are times when a teen really doesn't care. When that happens it can be that the teen is depressed. And sometimes when a teen is depressed it is because the parent has taken away all of the teen's privileges without providing any plan for earning them back.Parents also often say "giving my teens consequences for misbehavior doesn't work; I've tried it." This usually means the parent thinks that letting the teen know in advance what the consequence is will automatically stop the behavior. When the unwanted consequence for misbehavior is first established, the teen will test it at least three times to see if the parent is truly going to follow through with the enforcement of the consequence. Once the teen sees the parent is being consistent in enforcing consequences the unwanted behavior usually stops. Occasionally, the teen may weigh the benefits to him/herself of the misbehavior and then choose the misbehavior. Parents may then have to find a new consequence. Another important tip is to start small with consequences so you can add or intensify as needed. For instance, take away the cell phone for one night in response to one instance of a minor unwanted behavior.  Then when a more serious misbehavior occurs you have the option of taking the phone away for a week or more. Food, shelter, clothing and health care are some of the basics parents are expected to give their child. Most of the other things parents are currently providing for their children are privileges that can be taken away for short periods of time as consequences for misbehavior. It helps when both parents and teens start with this premise in mind.