Written by : Angela Lacalamita, MA, LCPC
It is often thought that anger is an unhealthy emotion. However, anger is a feeling that is normal, healthy and serves the function of letting us know when all is not right in our world. When anger is felt too intensely, too frequently or expressed using aggression is when anger becomes a problem. There are numerous reasons why we become angry. The most common reasons for feeling anger are related to our personal worth, needs and basic convictions. Maybe you have felt invalidated by a spouse during a disagreement or by an employer by having received a poor performance review. Regardless of the setting, if we perceive that we are not being acknowledged, or feel as though our needs are unmet, we experience anger. Another contributing factor to anger is related to our values, beliefs or convictions being challenged or ignored. Think of the number of times you responded with anger when a social issue or topic went against what you firmly believe. Even though you recognized that you were not able to control what others were thinking or how they were behaving, you still reacted with anger.
Managing the way you express anger requires some effort to think and behave in a different fashion. One approach to managing anger is to identify the problem causing the conflict, the feelings associated with the conflict and deciding whether to resolve the conflict or let it go. If you decide to let it go, then you have to let it go completely. Not letting the issue go completely may place you at risk of the anger resurfacing and boiling to a point where you react in an unhealthy fashion. A second approach to managing anger involves using direct commands to stop thinking the thoughts that are fueling your anger. Some examples are “I need to control my anger before it controls me” or “I need to control my anger because there are no benefits to exploding. “ A third approach in managing anger is visualizing yourself dealing with the event contributing to your anger in a calm, assertive and non- aggressive fashion.
No matter how hard we try, unexpected events or challenges will occur in life which will contribute to feelings of anger. Eliminating anger is not a realistic expectation. However using these approaches will help you manage your anger before it controls you and begins to negatively impact your life.
