Emotionally Intelligent Relationships

Written by: Angela Lacalamita, MA, LCPC

Over the years I have counseled many couples for a number of reasons. Some of the presenting problems have varied from restoring romance, parenting issues to infidelity. Although these couples presenting problems were different, a similar challenge experienced in these relationships was the lack of emotional intelligence. When we hear of emotional intelligence we may think of leadership skills or personal development. When introduced in the 1990’s emotional intelligence was seen as a powerful key in one’s personal success. If you used emotional intelligence, you were seen as being at the head of your class. The same core concepts which are the biggest predictor of personal excellence, leadership and performance in the workplace, are also critical in creating and maintaining successful marriages/relationships. Emotional intelligence is a unique set of tools that helps us develop the ability to recognize, manage our emotions and use reason and problem solving skills when faced when obstacles or conflict. It also provides us the ability to understand and effectively respond to others emotions. The critical skills in emotional intelligence (anger management, stress tolerance, decision making, assertiveness and social awareness) to name a few, are fundamental in maintaining healthy and successful relationships.  Even through moments of conflict, couples that use emotional intelligence are able to maintain self-control and refrain from using negative communication patterns. These couples ability to remain mutually respectful, emotionally connected and resolve conflict in a healthy manner are a few of the key factors that increases relationship satisfaction and likelihood of success. Here are a few tips to help you add emotional intelligence to your relationship: 

1. Be aware of your emotions. Manage any stress, anger or other negative emotions you may be experiencing. Emotional awareness can help prevent you from displacing your feelings or from negatively interpreting your partner’s comments or actions. The ability to manage negative emotions can help prevent a discussion from escalating and reduce the likelihood that you will say something that cannot be taken back.

2. Maintain a positive attitude and refrain from negative interpretations. Managing negative feelings at times can be challenging. However dwelling on the negative aspects of your partner’s actions can easily consume you and lead to you believing that your partner’s motives are always negative. Spend some time identifying your partner’s positive characteristics. Identify the characteristics that attracted you to your partner. Remember that it is the behavior you more than likely are unhappy with and not your partner’s character.

3. Recognize how your partner feels. Validation is an important tool in building intimacy and reducing anger and resentment. You don’t have to agree with your partners view however be able to respect, acknowledge and relate to the feeling. Use the speaker listener technique. Paraphrase what you hear and focus on the message being sent. When speaking to your partner, only speak for yourself and talk about your thoughts, feelings and concerns using “I” statements.

Regardless of the type of relationship you are involved in, all relationships require work and dedication. Developing an emotionally intelligent relationship does not happen overnight. However, applying these skills can significantly improve a relationship and reduce the destructive patterns and behaviors that lead to relationship difficulty.

When Worrying is a Problem

Written by Laura Piuca Hinkes, LCSW 

Everybody worries from time to time. However, when it begins to consume you, lead to avoidance, distract you from important areas in life and inhibit your ability to problem solve, it's time to take some action. People who suffer from chronic worry experience a variety of symptoms, some symptoms include:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty controlling the worrying
• Muscle tension
• Feeling nervous
• Fatigue
• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Sleep disturbance

Chronic worriers may try to distract themselves or push worrisome thoughts out of their head only to have the worries creep back in. It would be more helpful to learn to postpone worrying. In this strategy you create a “worry period” where you set aside a time (say 20 minutes) and a place for worrying, preferably the same time and place daily. During the day when a worry or anxious thought arises write it down on your worry list and tell yourself you will attend to it later during your worry period. Postponing worrying in this way can help because it interrupts our tendency to dwell on what is worrying us but doesn't have the expectation that we have to suppress these thoughts. 

How often do we spend time worrying about things we have no control over?  You can ask yourself if there is something you can do to solve the problem. If for example, you are worrying about paying bills, brainstorm all the possible solutions. You could call your creditors, cut back on expenses or get a second job. Try to focus on the things you have the power to change rather than those that are beyond your control.

But what about all those things I have no control over? The truth is we have to accept that there is a certain amount of uncertainty in our lives. Dwelling on all the things that could go wrong doesn't make our life more predictable. Do you tend to predict that bad things will happen when there is just as much likelihood that the outcome will be positive or at least neutral?  People who's tendency is to worry all the time tend to have a pessimistic view of their world. If you tend to assume the worst and focus only on the negatives this will increase your worrying and anxiety. You can focus on ways to retrain your thoughts to be more positive. When plagued with a worried thought challenge the thought with these questions:

• What is the evidence that the thought is true? That it is not true?

• Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?

• What's the probability that what I'm afraid of will actually happen?

• If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?

• Will worrying about it help?

• If someone else had this worry what would I tell them?

Talking with someone may help you sort out some possible solutions. It can be especially helpful to talk with a counselor who is impartial. Many counselors use Cognitive Behavior Therapy to help individuals see how negative thinking can affect our lives and how they can discover healthier patterns that will decrease their worry and anxiety.